I am not sure why I am writing this, but, I feel compelled to get it all out. They say writing or talking is a good form of therapy so I thought I would write what I know.
I am forty-five years old with two grown boys and four grandchildren. I always thought of myself as independent and smart and thought I could take on anything. Wow, was I wrong about that last part.
I never thought this would be me, suffering from the unknown. The fear of being behind the wheel of a car, walking my dog, going to get lunch at work by myself. I would have never believed this to be me. I had watched movies or shows about people being "afraid" to drive or "afraid" of going out of their house and I would think to myself "just get in the car and drive" or "just go outside". Well, I'm here to say first hand it's not that easy, it doesn't work that simple.
I look back now and try to see when it all started and my best guess is about eight months ago (around September of 2010) I remember I would feel dizzy (not every night) but more times then not when I would leave work. By the time I got to my car in my building's parking garage it was everything I could do to try and get rid of the dizziness. I would shake my head from side to side to side, turn my head upside down so the blood would flow to my head, I would deep breathe in my nose and out of my mouth. I remember noticing in the mornings when I was getting ready for work that my hands would be shaky. I remember my right foot would shake when I was driving to the point that it would shake off the gas pedal. At the time this was happening I had no idea what was going on or that all these little things were connected.
It finally got to the point in January of 2011 that driving home was such a chore that it literally took every once of everything in me just to drive home from work. But it only effected me driving home from work. I could drive to work just fine. The panic attacks were scary and lasted longer then usual. I had always suffered from panic attacks. They weren't daily or weekly or monthly but there was enough of them that I never forgot they could be lurking around the corner just waiting. While driving home I would take out of the way roads with little or no traffic and it would take me sometimes 1/2 hour longer to get home at night. Before you know it, it was a nightly occurrence. Then driving to work became a nightmare. I would have to drive in the right hand lane so I could pull off the road when the panic became too much to handle. A routine drive to work (normally 45 mins) was taking me about 1 1/2 hours because I had to pull over constantly and wait a few minutes till I got the nerve up to drive a little further down the road before having to pull over again.
After weeks of this torment, sometime late in March of 2011, I was driving home and had to pull over and after sitting for about 1/2 hour I realized I couldn't put the car in drive, I just couldn't do it. I had had enough and physically and emotionally couldn't do it anymore. I called my boyfriend and told him I couldn't drive because of a panic attack and he had to come get me. He was on his way to the dentist and had to call his sister to come get me. I left my car parked on the side of the road and they went back later to retrieve it. Until that night I had only told one friend at work little bits and pieces as this was all happening to me. I went to see my doctor the next day and he prescribed Xanax and Cymalta. That night was the last time I had driven my car to or from work and it is now May 9, 2011. My doctor and I have come to the realization that it is not just panic this is anxiety.
My boyfriend now drives me to work everyday and picks me up every night. It is out of his way but he does it for me so I can go to work everyday. So he has to get up earlier than he normally would and I get to work almost 1 1/2 hours early everyday.
The way I explain the difference between panic attacks and anxiety is: a panic attack to me is like a wave in the ocean. It washes in, peaks (like a wave) and washes back out to see; anxiety on the other hand is like a tsunami. The water rushes ashore, grips and takes out everything in its path and lingers until the water receads.
Little by little, day by day I have noticed that it gets worse. I shake somes so uncontrollably that it is freightening.
